2006-04-10
Keep Me Clean, Keep Me Warm
For a while now I've been fighting the realization that my friends back home don't know who I am at college and vice versa. It's painful and disturbing but I'm understanding it now.
It's no understatement for me to say that I am imperfect. I say and do things that are improper or wrong, and I'm sad that I do. Most of the time. Yet I don't like it when people gauge my actions in the present by the things that I've done in the past. I understand that it's human nature, but is it fair for people to constantly bring up the worst time of my life?
I'm scared of coming back home in a month. Honestly, I don't want to become the person I was last summer or who I was at the beginning of last semester. I hope and wish that all of my friends care about me enough to attempt to understand me. But I don't want to indulge in the double-standard again, or live in fear of misunderstanding. I consider it a blessing that, right now, my best friend from back home lives five hours away. She is that to me, not because she is my ex-girlfriend and not because I used to crush on her and not because some people think that I idolize her. She is my best friend from back home because we truly try and stay in touch and that she does her best to understand me. I don't have to expect a lecture from her every time I talk to her. Plus, she actually tries to keep in touch with me too--it's not a one-sided effort.
I'm not sure whether or not I want to apologize for this entry. This is what I feel. I feel judged and constantly criticized by the people I love. I'm not sorry that I'm not perfect and I'm damn sure that I'm glad I don't fit into some mold that people want me to fit into. I feel as if I am being made small around people like Becky. If you expect me to apologize for the fact that I stutter and that I can't debate as well as you, you can shove your self-importance where the sun doesn't shine.
God save me from the radiance of other people's egocentrism and supposed probity.
ragnarok2013 at 11:28 a.m.